Life is a lot different with cancer. New latin words, tons of medical appointments, a lot less hair, and the constant question, “Am I okay?”. The short answer is no, I am not okay. But don’t worry it would be wierd if I was going through this and I was okay.

Since the cancer diagnosis I have started chemotherapy which has completely taken over my life and my family’s lives. Cancer has become the unwanted house guest that you can’t kick out. Every part of our lives revolve around whether or not I have treatment and if I feel ok, its extremely unfair to my family.

Everyone reacts differently in times of chaos. I react by withdrawing. I have a hard time retelling the same story over and over again. Bad news is never easy to deliver and it makes people feel awkward so I avoid it at all costs as a general rule. I do think its important for my family and friends to understand whats going on and where things are so here is the latest update since the last post.

After the biopsy and diagnosis I met with my onocoligist and we made a plan:

*5 months of IV chemotherapy the first 8 weeks would be A/C chemo also known as the “Red Devil” (is even worse than it sounds) every other week for 4 times.

*Next comes Taxol, a less severe but still awful IV chemotherapy drug for 12 weeks every week. Today I get my 3rd dose of Taxol and I completed the A/C.

*2 weeks after the last dose of Taxol I will have a double Mastectomy with no reconstruction (I will write about this later because I do get a lot of questions on this).

*4 weeks after the mastectomy I will start a hormone suppression drug that I will be on for 10 years, during that time I will also take a pill form of chemotherapy for 3 years called CDK it won’t be as bad as IV chemo but still be rough.

*I will also have 2 months of 5 days/week radiation treatment.

*Of course all these things can change based on whether I respond to them or not and what any scans I have say.

I actually have 2 different kinds of breast cancer so getting a plan of action is complicated. I am at stage 3b, this means the cancer has spread and the tumors are very large. I have a slow growing cancer that doesn’t respond to chemotherapy super well and I have a very fast aggressive cancer that responds very well to chemotherapy and the tumors have disappeared as far as I can tell in just 6 treatments. The slower growing tumor has unexpectedly gotten smaller which is amazing and gives me hope.

The cancer has metastasized which means it hasn’t stayed in my breasts, it has started to move to new places outside of my breasts. It’s common for breast cancer to move to lymph nodes and my cancer has moved to some lymph nodes inside my chest wall making surgery to remove the lymph nodes impossible so I am depending on the radiation to clean up any cancer in my chest wall after the surgery. The CDK pill should stunt any growth the cancer might try again.

Cancer has a very strange stigma to it, almost a taboo vibe. If you have cancer you must have done something to make yourself have cancer and it’s your fault. The common questions people ask are inquires of how I got it. “Did you smoke?”, “Did you take birth control?” and these questions are followed up by questions about how it got so far, “Did you get yearly mamograms?”, “Did you do self breast exams?” I’m left to try to explain why I got cancer to the best of my knowledge and why it wasn’t caught sooner but the reality is everyone is able to get cancer and everyone has reasons why it can get so far. Cancer doesn’t play by any rule book it’s like a sick game of musical chairs and no one is safe.

I am really sick. I’ve never been sick like chemo sick in my whole life, my bones are sick. Everyday I wake up with new side effects that are painful and weird and gross and scary. One day I woke up with black fingers, thankfully that has passed. My hair is still falling out which is more annoying than I could have ever dreamed. Everything tastes terrible, even water. I randomly throw up with little to no warning so I hate leaving the house and when I do I’m on heavy opioid anti-vomit drugs that make me very dopey and appear to be “Okay”, I’m not Okay I’m drunk. I am fatigued on a level that I’ve never experienced before, walking accross the kitchen feels like a 25 mile trek in the desert. I did get a blood transfusion and now that fatigue is getting a lot better.

I do need help. I need a lot of help. I have an amazing completely capable husband who is caring for me and driving me to all my appointments and holding the puke bucket and running the farm and taking care of the kids and cleaning the house and doing the laundry and running our dairy and working full time plus long hours to make up lost time for driving me to my appointments. All the while he has had a hernia surgery during all of this and has just found out that he has an extremely large prostate with no explanation. 20% of cases that present like his end up with a cancer diagnosis so he is soon to have a surgical biopsy. He is doing all of this in constant abdominal pain which led to the scan that found the pain is coming from his severe diverticulosis colon, harding bladder, and the oversized prostate that is causing the harding of the bladder and pushing on the colon and everything else. I always wondered if he could make it all work without me, the answer is 100% yes.

I also have 3 energetic capable girls that are stepping up to the plate in ways I had no idea they could. Edie is milking the cow and cooking and cleaning. Haesel is doing dishes and helping her dad with the farm. Aethel is carrying in firewood and feeding birds and folding clothes. I am very blessed with such an amazing family that has circled the wagons and stepped up to the plate without missing a beat.

My help needs help but they don’t need help that I have to orchestrate. My husband needs a call from someone offering help not asking what they can do. He is too weary and focused to look up and create a job. We have a farm. Anyone is welcome to call Cyning and come over on the weekend to help fence, scoop poop, move feed, care for animals, etc. The girls need play dates, rides, lunch dates, and help with chores. Maybe a chore play date? We have a house in Wheatland that needs to be fixed up and sold so that if I die Cyning can afford to care for the girls. Reread that. There is a very real possibility that I may not be here in a year or three years so we are seriously trying to put ourselves in a position that Cyning won’t lose everything, these are very scary times. If you’ve ever wanted to learn drywall or electrical work or plumbing or tiling or any construction trade here’s your opportunity. My husband needs a call from someone asking how he is doing because he is not okay.

What are my chances of recurrence? With chemotherapy, surgery and radiation alone I have a 50% chance that the cancer will come back and land in my bones or my lungs or my liver. If this happens I will have terminal cancer and my best prognosis is a 5 year life span. With hormone suppression and CDK chemo it goes down a little bit. I’m planning on surviving but I’m also making choices in my life that are harmonious with me not surviving. I’m writing letters for when the girls are 18, when they get married, when they have babies, etc. Everyone says you have to stay positive, keep your chin up, well I reckon that’s a little easier said than done when your’re looking at casket pricing to make sure you don’t bankrupt your family by merely dying. That being said I am focusing on my time with my family and savoring every smile and kiss.

I am incredibly blessed. I have everything I ever prayed for. God gave me the life I asked for and I feel so honored and blessed to have been chosen for such blessings. Whatever path God has set out for me I know that my family will think of me with love in their hearts and they will be blessed with all the things they pray for. If I die tomorrow I will die satisfied and full of love.

So to the original question, “Am I okay?”, No, I’m galaxies away from okay, so is my husband and my kiddos. We are very not okay. But life has seasons and we are in the turbulent “Not okay” season that’s just how it goes. Winter always leads to Spring, God hasn’t let me down yet.